


What It Means To Me

by uaevuon



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Fluff and Angst, M/M, flangst, killua's multifaceted feelings, mostly fluff tho
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-22
Updated: 2015-12-22
Packaged: 2018-05-08 11:05:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,077
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5494868
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/uaevuon/pseuds/uaevuon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>If someone means a lot to you, sometimes they mean a lot of different things. So it can be hard to say what they mean to you, or how much, because you’re not sure what’s the most important.</p>
            </blockquote>





	What It Means To Me

Alluka shouted out “Nine!” with all the excitement of her first day of training. When she returned to her mock-combat with Gon, Bisky watched the two of them with a smile. 

Killua watched from afar. His training had ended for the day; Bisky ran him ragged in the early hours of the morning, so now he was a spectator, alone under a tree until Gon ran out of steam and Alluka moved on to her one-on-one sessions. Killua would train again at night, when Bisky could better judge his control over his electricity, and when he could use his Godspeed without anyone seeing. 

Despite having lost his Nen, Gon put up a good fight. The physical strength he’d developed over the two years between the Hunter exam and his almost-death had been restored with Nanika’s aid, and added to since then, and it was enough to fight Alluka, who despite having Nen of her own wasn’t particularly strong at all. She had an incredible power as a Specialist, but having developed that exclusively… well, there was more than one reason Bisky stuck to the basics, but the big one was that Alluka didn’t know any of them. 

Still, Gon was beginning to flag; the strain showed in his punches, and when Bisky finally called his day’s training over, he sighed in relief, beads of sweat dripping down his face. He jogged over to Killua with the last of his energy and flopped down next to him under the tree. Alluka, whose stamina was enough for two people, continued. 

“You don’t need to watch us, Killua,” Gon said. 

Killua knew that, of course. But that didn’t stop him. It made him happy. He never thought he’d be able to settle down in one place with Alluka. But when he’d introduced her to Bisky, and she’d pointed out a number over Bisky’s finger when Killua had completely forgotten that was something he was supposed to respond to, it had been a massive weight off his shoulders. He should have known Alluka and Nanika’s abilities were based in Nen, but it had never crossed his mind until Bisky offered to train her. 

And of course, she called Gon at the first chance she got. 

Killua hadn’t been ready to see him, but then, maybe he never would be ready. Gon had shown up and thrown himself on Killua, and no matter how many tons of steel Killua could push through somehow Gon still felt heavy. He’d grown -- of course he had, it’d been three years since they’d last seen each other -- up and out and even if he was still shorter than Killua he was broader and took up enough space that he just seemed so much bigger. 

Or maybe it was that Killua still saw him as the sun to his moon. 

Alluka was the world, though, and it was Killua’s responsibility to face her. He watched her train, like he did every day. And he smiled his usual gentle smile. 

“You really love her, don’t you, Killua?”

“Mm.” Killua didn’t take his eyes off his sister when he answered. “Of course I do. She’s my family.”

“You don’t like the rest of your family.”

Killua made a disgruntled face. “She’s the only one I still think of as family.”

“She means a lot to you.” Gon rolled over on his back and looked up at Killua. “She must, for you to be able to say how you feel so easily.” 

Killua’s breath caught in his throat. Over the last month, it almost felt like things were back to normal, or the normal he’d once created with Gon. He’d let his guard down, and Gon would say something like that, as if he knew more than Killua wanted him to when Killua knew he didn’t, and Killua would shut down again. 

“Killua?”

“Yeah. She does.”

Gon’s eyes left Killua’s face and he looked up through the overlapping leaves of the tree above them. Once Killua no longer felt the weight of Gon’s gaze upon him, he looked away from Alluka and down at his friend. 

It was times like these that made Killua want to talk and talk and say all sorts of things he shouldn’t. Dappled light streaming down across Gon’s face and body, all dark and smooth and flushed from exertion, reminded him a million times over that _Gon… you are light_ and Killua still didn’t believe he deserved this. 

But then, he’d changed these past few years and so had Gon. They were both older and more responsible people, stronger physically and emotionally, more stable. They had something to lean on besides each other. 

And Killua hadn’t killed anyone in three years. That had to count for something. 

“I think,” Killua said, broken and full of hesitation, “sometimes, the more something means, the harder it is to say it.” 

“Hmm?” 

“I mean…” Killua shifted. He’d started on this track, and he had to go somewhere with it, but he didn’t check where the train was going before boarding and he was pretty sure his ticket was all wrong. “If someone means a lot to you, sometimes they mean a lot of different things. So it can be hard to say what they mean to you, or how much, because you’re not sure what’s the most important.” He leaned back against the tree; Bisky could berate him for slouching later, but it made him more comfortable. “I mean, obviously I love Alluka a lot. She’s so important to me. But it’s just… well, she’s my sister. That’s… it’s clear. There’s less things.”

“Where are you going with this, Killua?”

He breathed in and out once, and then a few more times, trying to gather his thoughts. 

“Killua?”

“I guess… well, just because someone doesn’t know what to say, doesn’t mean they don’t care. Sometimes there’s just so many things to say, too many things, and they can’t pick one. And being able to say what you feel doesn’t mean you care more or less, it might just mean that you care more… specifically.” That sounded awful. Killua once again respected his long-held decision to keep his mouth shut when feelings were involved. 

“I still don’t understand.” Gon was looking up at him with those enormous gold eyes, reflecting the sunlight and sparkling like something out of a dream. “Killua, please explain it.” 

Killua sighed, more heavily than before. He couldn’t stop now -- well, he could, but Gon would pester him and he’d give in eventually. He always gave in to Gon. “Just because I can’t always say what I feel… doesn’t mean I don’t feel anything.” 

“I know you feel things.” Gon laughed. “Killua, I know better than anybody --”

“No, you don’t.” Killua clenched his fists, pushed them against his thighs to shove down the urge to hurt something, to hurt himself. “Just because I can’t say what I feel, doesn’t mean I don’t care. Sometimes the things that mean the most to me are the things I can’t talk about, because I don’t know what to say.”

“You’re saying the same thing over and over, Killua.”

Killua groaned. “Never mind!” 

“Killua! I want to understand.”

“That’s just it. You want me to tell you, but I can’t. I don’t have the words.”

“So this means a lot to you?”

“ _Yes_.”

“But Killua…” Gon paused, eyebrows furrowing. “How will I know what you care about if you don’t tell me?”

“You’ll just have to pay more attention.” He drew his legs up to his chest and hugged them, watching Alluka dodge Bisky’s quarter-speed punches, laughing all the while. 

“Killua…”

“Hm.”

“Is this about me?”

Killua’s fists clenched once again. He said nothing. 

“It is. You’re not saying anything, so it must be.” 

Killua watched Gon’s face screw up in concentration; he could almost see steam pouring from his ears. He didn’t want this. Gon wasn’t ever supposed to know. Killua should have kept his mouth shut. 

“Okay, Killua.” 

Okay?

“It’s nothing I don’t know, anyway.” Gon grinned. He rolled back over, this turn landing him right up next to Killua, and he hugged him around the waist. It wasn’t a comfortable position, so he shuffled closer until he was half in Killua’s lap. 

Killua had the very conflicting urges to slump in defeat at Gon’s words -- if he had to put all this effort in, he may as well have communicated something new -- and tense at his actions. 

“Um, Gon…” 

“Thank you for telling me, Killua,” Gon said. “I’ve been waiting.” 

“W-waiting?”

“Mhm. I always thought, but you never said anything, even though you kept doing this thing where you looked like you wanted to.”

“Thought what?” Killua mumbled. He had to hear it -- even if he couldn’t say it, he had to hear it, because Gon always said whatever he thought. 

“You love me, don’t you?” Gon said it as if it was just a normal conversation; maybe, to him, it was. 

Or maybe he knew how much he was taking Killua apart, and he wanted to stay strong to put him back together. 

“I love Killua too.”

A pressure built up in Killua’s head and it felt like he was going to explode. He leaned forward, using his whole body to cradle Gon’s head and shoulders where they rested in his lap. 

“Killua?”

“How long have you known?” Killua choked out. How long had he been making a fool of himself? He had to know. 

“Mm, I’m not sure. I think there were a lot of times. Sometimes I forgot, but then you’d do something that would make me remember, and I’d learn a new way you loved me. Because, like you said, Killua loves me in a lot of ways.” 

“When was the first time?”

“When I met you.” 

Killua couldn’t help it; he laughed. “I didn’t love you then!” 

He was too close to Gon to see him grin, even if his eyes had been open. “You said it.” Gon let go of Killua’s waist and pushed himself up until he and Killua could face each other. “Say it again.”

“What?”

“Say you love me. Please, Killua? I already know.” 

“I can’t.” Killua was still laughing. 

“Why not?”

“Because I don’t want you to think everything else is less important.” Killua’s laughter died down to little nervous chuckles. “I only ever wanted to be your friend.”

“You’re still my friend. You’ll always be my friend. That’s one way you love me. When you said it the first time, that we were friends, I was so happy. You’re my best friend, Killua. And I love you, too.”

“You’re my family, too. You can’t forget that. I don’t have much family left, you and Alluka --” 

“That’s another way you love me. I love you too. I’m honored to be part of Killua’s family.” 

“You --”

“ _Killua_. I love you. Every way you love me, I love you too. That’s what I meant.”

“No, you don’t -- you don’t understand!” He didn’t even think about scaring Gon away anymore; he had to know. If Gon knew anything, he had to know everything. “I… I wasn’t living until I met you. I think of you as, as light, as the sun. You taught me what it meant to feel. Everything I’ve ever felt -- love, happiness, fear, _everything_ \-- I’ve felt it for you.” 

“Killua.”

“So you can’t tell me you feel the same way I do. You don’t even know how I feel. I don’t even know how I feel.”

“I still love you.” 

And Killua gave in. He sunk into Gon’s outstretched arms and when he felt those arms wrap around him he hugged Gon back. “I love you.” 

“I love you too, Killua.” 

“I love you.” No that he’d said it, he couldn’t stop. “I love you, I love you, I love you.” He leaned against Gon until they tipped over, Gon laughing while Killua whispered “I love you” into his ear over and over. 

“Killua! Killua, Killua, I get it --”

“No. Shut up. I love you. I listened to you say all those embarrassing things, I’m going to embarrass you now. I love you, Gon.” 

“Killua…” Gon held him close until the sun went down and Alluka ended her training for the day. Killua had mostly quieted down, but every few minutes he would say “I love you” again, like he wanted to make sure Gon didn’t forget, or like he was making up for lost time.


End file.
